The tiny things I’ve understood about myself after the 2 months of lockdown:
I still can’t stand too strong daylight. Like a vampire. Curtains should be properly closed during the day. Otherwise I feel dizzy and needs to head off bed every two hours. May is always the worst for me, because it’s not warm enough for sleeveless, nor is it cold enough to calm my mind. And the daylight lasts forever. There are clouds in my room.
I enjoy occupying space. BIG space. Well maybe not too big. That Singaporean Mansion feels horrible the day I left. But being alone with some empty space relieves me. I’m fully grounded. My mind is free as many birds.
I would even sacrifice some sleep to get the chance of being alone in the living room. And create something. I used to be able to work from my room. But lockdown has killed that capability. I need the night so much. That’s why I need my own study. Or maybe a studio. Or a big room with compartmentized corners would also work.
I’m such a virgo because I know exactly how much I should drink and eat everyday to keep me at my current weight. Anything more, I’ll see myself bloating in a few days. I don’t even need to check the calorie table and measure all of them. I simply know. If I’m starved for at least 2 times in a day. I’ll be losing weight very fast.
I should NOT drink alone. Chances are high that there is no pleasure, and it ruins my efficiency. No drinking pals, no drinking sessions. They could be on the cloud. Drinking is intimately social. I need friends to drink to.
If I spend money for something, it is easier for me to have commitment. For example, Masterclass, Ballet Beautiful, Netflix (something I don’t find it very useful because I always binge watch), etc. I’ll intentionally have a seat for them in my heart. Purely because I paid. Oh yes, there is also Barista Hustle and Spotify.
I’ve been able to express my angers now. I learned that skill. But sadness, not yet. I could sometimes even express anger in a more expressive way. But if I’m sad, I can’t even cry. I feel slow and numb. I can’t think, can’t talk, can’t do anything. I even can’t feel sadness, when I’m really sad.
Most importantly, so many years have passed. I still believe in love. And I miss him.
maoa 