In my rooms, curtains are always drawn. For example, right now, 8:41pm in complete daylight, I kept my drawn curtains and switched on my lamp.
The effort he spent drawing the curtains and the withdrawing the curtains, is very impressive for me.
I’ve never learned to appreciate sunlight until maybe 2-3 years ago, after several harsh Berliner winters. But I still can’t sit by the beach, under the sun for over 2 hours. I would feel very withered, dried, dizzy like a blended pumpkin soup —- you supposed there are a lot of stuff, but not really sure which ones.
I remember the first time I had a room with blackout curtains. I was 15. I was born extremely sensitive to light. I felt I’ve finally found my world of being a complete vampire and wandering freely with my moons and stars, in dreams and daydreams.
The next year I got a boyfriend. I would invite him over to my very dark room. And of course I lost my virginity there.
I lost my virginity at 17, after we went to a class hotpot lunch, where after some beers, over 20-30 people asked us to kiss. I still remember it was at a lamb hotpot place. But I had no memory of how we smelled like. I guess we both tasted bad. We used to enjoy this disgusting game of kissing after school meals and commenting on the flavours that stayed in each other’s mouth. Eww.
Around that time, we were at the verge of breaking up but nobody knows. He came to my table, sat down, kissed me in front of everyone, among a lot of cheering, screaming, clapping or whatever noise it was. I think somebody even took a picture. Then after the lunch, he said, can I go home with you.
He looked at me with his prying sharp eyes. But it felt like he just wanted my body at that mere moment. He didn’t love me anymore.
I stopped having relationships with any classmate or colleague after that. It’s just too much to bear to be watched by everybody around. For over a year, he has been trying with me so many times for sex but I wasn’t so sure about that. And this time, he just doesn’t care if I want it or not.
That’s how it felt.
He left. About an hour later, my mom came home. I was talking to my mom with the huge pain down there, there was too much sunlight in our living room. I don’t really know what to say.
Till today, my curtains were still drawn.
maoa 